Unstated Expectations

Have you ever experienced someone getting mad at you or being disappointed in you and you had no idea why? As far as you are concerned everything is fine between you, you are getting along and there seems to be no problem, then, without warning, the mood changes, there is frustration, anger or sadness and you have no idea what happened.

Often, you have been the victim of unstated expectations. This is a common condition among people who are in a relationship. It could happen at work, school, home or any number of situations.

The problem begins when person A believes that person B "should know" what they want or how they might feel and person B doesn't have a clue.

Since person B doesn't have a clue what person A is thinking, person B doesn't live up to the expectation of person A who becomes disappointed, angry or frustrated. Then, person A begins a series of stories in his/her head that makes person B wrong or unfeeling or uncaring. This often leads to accusations and arguments.

Person A has taken personally the apparent shortcoming of person B and has his/her feelings bruised. Does this sound familiar? Are you person A or person B in the relationship? Perhaps you are both depending on who you are relating to.

The problem begins with the expectation and lack of transparency about what that expectation is. It's all about communication! The solution is simple. If you are the person (person A) who has an expectation of person B make sure you spell out, clearly, lovingly and in detail what it is you expect from your friend or partner. Give them the opportunity to say "sure, I can do that" or no, that doesn't work for me but I could help you in this way". Create dialogue rather than assume (we all know what that leads to) your friend or partner can and does read your mind.

Conflict is a part of life and every relationship experiences conflict at some time or another. Unstated expectations are a major source of conflict in many relationships and can be minimized by the practise of expressing your expectations and listening to the response with a loving heart. You may not always get the response you wish for but at least you know the outcome before being disappointed.

Remember also that nothing is personal (Don Miguel Ruiz: The Four Agreements) even if it appears to be directly aimed at you. Nothing is personal as it comes from the dream of someone else's reality. No-one knows who you really are or what your motives are for your behaviours so whether you are person A or B what's really happening is meant to bring you growth and healing. If you take it personally you stunt your own personal growth.

Finally, as always, there are two practices you can engage in that will help when you find it difficult to stay grounded and unoffended:

1. Clean on it: I love you, I am sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you. Speak to that part of you that is connected to your higher power. Take responsibility for everything that shows up in your life. This doesn't mean the problem is your fault. In fact, there is no blame to share. What it means is that everything happens for a reason, is happening for you, not to you and is a part of your human physical experience. It is to be celebrated not resisted.
2. Tap on it: "Even though she/he hurt my feelings, I love and accept myself deeply and completely" or "even though I take this personally I love and forgive myself"

Until next time, be well, be wise, be loving and listen to your inner voice.

Al